Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
