her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
