forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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