new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
