I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
