so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
