I wish my penis had an off switch
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.