i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she peed on how many people?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin