its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.