They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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