He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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