She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
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Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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