Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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