Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
