she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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