the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
