I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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