A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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