Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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