By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
