i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
