Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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