Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
