i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My balls are so social today.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
