Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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