i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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