dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
