So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
