I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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