I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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