i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
