I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
