Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
