Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
