he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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