i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
