I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
