I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Terrible idea I love it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
