After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.