Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
