Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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