2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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