Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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