the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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How does one acquire holy water?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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