how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
