absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
