soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
