so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
