ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
