No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
this is an emotional support booty call
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
