Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
