true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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