the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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