If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
