ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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