oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
