dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
