Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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