All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
