I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
