i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I didn't notice because vodka
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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