tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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