Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
